- Multitasking is a farce. Tests have shown that it decreases productivity and each task at hand is diminished.
- Pretty girls are SUPPOSED to cause guys to wreck their bicycles. I mean, c’mon – pretty girl, you know?
- I have been on the other, near-tragic side of such an event.
I live I Florida so we have lots and LOTS of your grandparents here, driving however the hell they want, causing all sorts of chaos as they make left turns from the far right lane, drive down one-way streets the wrong way, and drive onto THE AIRPORT RUNWAY when they miss a turn. (To this day, nobody’s certain how the blue hair managed that last one.)
When it rains, god, just stay inside. They’re bad enough in dry weather.
I had the pleasure of driving my daughter to her grandmother’s to spend the day just about four weeks ago. The next day, we realized she’d forgotten some toy or other can’t-live-without-it, 5 year old must-have item. So we drove the three miles to grandma’s house at lunch.
Me, my wife, and our young daughter. Then, the plan was, go to a movie. The one that has since cause my child to constantly ask if I have emotions in my head. (My standard answer after the 500th time is now Yes – but just Anger.)
As we left the innocence that is grandma’s house, we traversed the long, straight drive toward the bigger main road. In the distance, I saw a gray sedan start to hug the yellow line as he approached us.
We got closer and closer, he got more and more into the center line.
A painted stripe down the middle of the road, I realized, would not stop a two ton vehicle from doing anything.
His tires crossed into our lane a few feet. Now we were looking at a head on collision.
So far, I have not alerted the passengers, but I’m doing the math on my options. He’ll wake up and swerve back into his lane at the last terrifying second, avoiding a head-on collision – or not. He’ll NOT wake up, and I’ll have to run off the road into somebody’s front yard. He’ll NOT swerve, in which case I will swerve into HIS lane because we have these terrific ditches dug along the sides of the road to let rain water into, causing a car to almost guaranteed flip over if you drive into it faster than 3 miles per hour. A distant thought was to stop, but he’d just kill us then, so that wasn’t ever really on the table, as wasn’t the Vin Deisel parking brake/reverse swerve 180. (Although I’m sure I could have done it.)
The car gets closer. He is now 99% IN OUR LANE, as in almost completely. I have taken my foot off the gas and I’m getting ready to brake, swerve, and alert my wife and kid, wondering which impact will cause the least amount of damage to a five year old in a car seat.
He’s STILL COMING. I know, it’s incredible. Even if I completely stopped, he’s now 100% going to hit us. We ARE going to wreck.
Time to alert the wife.
“Wha- OH MY GOD THAT CAR’S GOING TO HIT US!”
Wife pushes imaginary brakes on her side of car, daughter screams from back seat.
Idiot driver finally looks up from texting or tuning radio or dropped cigarette. (Maybe he heard her screams, who knows. Let’s go with that.) HIS EYES GO PIE-PLATE WIDE.
He swerves, nearly flipping his own car (hey, better him than me) and barely misses us.
Glares all around as he speeds past, apology on his face, hatred on ours.
Texting, I think. I was just happy to avoid a big time wreck.
I could have understood it if he’d have been staring at a pretty girl.
He’d probably at least have slowed down.
So, no more multitasking.