Blurb me! Tentative blurb for The Water Castle – give me your thoughts!

Here’s my tentative blurb for my new novel The Water Castle. Give me your thoughts!

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aaa TWC BLUE 39 BEST v 1
 

tentative cover design

 

233 words:

On the tenth anniversary of her father’s death, fourteen-year-old Gina Martin finds herself inexplicably drawn to the run-down old park where he used to take her. There, while exploring an eerie abandoned water tower, Gina accidentally discovers a portal that takes her to the 1700’s where she meets and falls for a young Noble tasked with settling Spain’s La Florida territory. Each day, Gina goes to school, then sneaks off to spend time in the old world with Prince Philip. Befriending a matronly handmaiden named Summer, who is skilled in the mystical nature of local plants, Gina learns to love the ways of the old world – to the ire of Philip’s counselor Cero, a practitioner of a darker mysticism who wants Gina gone.

But as she studies history in school, Gina notices her textbook changing to reflect the things she does in Old Florida – possibly sending the modern world onto a new path and rewriting the fate of the prince! As her relationship with Philip intensifies, a warring native tribe rises up to attack and demolish the Spanish settlement; at home, the crumbling portal tower is scheduled for demolition! Summer may have plans for Gina and the Prince, and Gina realizes she must soon choose between her life in the modern world or her new life in the past – but the mysterious Cero’s books contain secrets that change everything for all involved.

 

Does this blurb give you enough information to make you want to read the story?

Too much?

Put your comments below and let me know!

 

Published by Dan Alatorre AUTHOR

International bestselling author Dan Alatorre has 17 titles published in over a dozen languages. From Romance in Poggibonsi to action and adventure in the sci-fi thriller The Navigators, to comedies like Night Of The Colonoscopy: A Horror Story (Sort Of) and the heartwarming and humorous anecdotes about parenting in the popular Savvy Stories series, his knack for surprising audiences and making you laugh or cry - or hang onto the edge of your seat - has been enjoyed by audiences around the world. And you are guaranteed to get a page turner every time. “That’s my style,” Dan says. “Grab you on page one and then send you on a roller coaster ride, regardless of the story or genre.” Readers agree, making his string of #1 bestsellers popular across the globe. He will make you chuckle or shed tears, sometimes on the same page. His novels always contain twists and turns, and his nonfiction will stay in your heart forever. Dan resides in the Tampa area with his wife and daughter. You can find him blogging away almost every day on www.DanAlatorre or watch his hilarious YouTube show every week Writers Off Task With Friends. Dan’s marketing book 25 eBook Marketing Tips You Wish You Knew has been a valuable tool for new authors (it’s free if you subscribe to his newsletter) and his dedication to helping other authors is evident in his helpful blog.

27 thoughts on “Blurb me! Tentative blurb for The Water Castle – give me your thoughts!

  1. I’ve had blurbs on my mind recently because I’m giving feedback to another blogger on here, too. I think your book sounds REALLY interesting and I’m looking forward to reading it. But, I think your blurb is too long and contains too much information. How do you show me that there is going to be trouble without talking about too many of the names in the book? I know they’re tough to write.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with young Kindt. Enough info to make the book sound interesting but it’s more like a synopsis than a blurb.
    Try something like this: “Fourteen-year-old Gina discovers a portal that takes her to the 1700’s where she meets and falls for a young Prince tasked with settling Spain’s La Florida territory. Each day, after school, she sneaks off to spend time in the old world with Prince Philip. But as she studies history in school, Gina notices her textbook changing to reflect the things she does in Old Florida – possibly sending the modern world onto a new path and rewriting the fate of the prince! Gina realizes she must soon choose between her life in the modern world or her new life in the past. Meanwhile, the Prince’s counselor Cero, a practitioner of dark mysticism, tries to force the couple apart by revealing secrets that change everything for all involved.”
    (127 words)
    Don’t forget you have to grab them before they click on ‘see more’ on Amazon.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Agree I find it a bit too detailed myself. An overview would be good, so the same length but it could be a bit more general as to what it’s about. However it did compel me to read it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Tom. I knew it was pretty long when I put it out there, but it’s easier to trim than to add, and it was difficult to know what aspects to include when I needed to make sure it didn’t sound just like another time travel romance or teen romance.

      Like

  4. I do think the blurb goes on a bit. And I am super bothered by the very adult looking young woman who’s supposed to be 14.
    I think I would dump the bits about the handmaiden. Maybe the bit about dear old dad too. I might drop the native tribe bit. And Cero. And leave it at her having to choose.
    But I haven’t read the book. If time travel and the complications of such aren’t the main bent you don’t want to lean it that way.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Really, I was worried that if I did some of the things you suggested, it sounds like just another time travel romance or teen romance, and adding those other elements let the reader know there’s more to this thing. But it’s a tricky balance, and I appreciate the input, for sure!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. First off- wow! This sounds like a fun read! Thanks for sharing your blurb, and it sounds like this is a book I’d have to check out 🙂
    Personally (and I’m no expert on blurbs, as I find myself banging my head against the wall whenever I have to try to write one!) I have to agree with most of the other commenters. I find that ‘less is more.’ As a reader, I don’t like too many of the events of the story given away, for instance the water tower’s demolition, and the natives rising up- I like those juicy details coming up and surprising me as I read- if I know it’s coming, there’s less surprise/tension and thus less payoff.
    Of course, it’s hard to rope readers in and NOT give things away. Still, I’d be interested in reading just knowing about 1. the portal, 2. her desire to go back there- what’s drawing her in 3. the conflict with the bad magic dude and 4. the fact that she may be altering history, and it may not be for the better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right. How do you bait the hook without telling people what’s coming?

      To leave some of that stuff out – which I will ultimately – makes it sound like a boring time travel romance, and that’s only a small fraction of what the story is.

      But I appreciate the input! We will soldier on.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oooh, you got me hooked! I liked all the details, sounds like a fantastic read. I know the others are saying “less is more” but I think you do leave us hanging enough at the end of the blurb — what will happen historically and with the tower? As a reader of YA, this really intrigues me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I suppose I should find s bunch of YA readers or time travel romance readers and ask them, but I always like to start with you guys. There’s a lot going on in this story so it’s hard to know what to not mention. Glad it hooked you! And thanks for the input!

      Liked by 1 person

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