Here’s my tentative blurb for my new novel The Water Castle. Give me your thoughts!
but first a brief commercial
WRITING CONTEST!
Don’t miss out!
Great prizes and each entry gets a critique from ME!
Details and entry info HERE
HURRY! Entry deadline is March 31, 2018
tentative cover design
233 words:
On the tenth anniversary of her father’s death, fourteen-year-old Gina Martin finds herself inexplicably drawn to the run-down old park where he used to take her. There, while exploring an eerie abandoned water tower, Gina accidentally discovers a portal that takes her to the 1700’s where she meets and falls for a young Noble tasked with settling Spain’s La Florida territory. Each day, Gina goes to school, then sneaks off to spend time in the old world with Prince Philip. Befriending a matronly handmaiden named Summer, who is skilled in the mystical nature of local plants, Gina learns to love the ways of the old world – to the ire of Philip’s counselor Cero, a practitioner of a darker mysticism who wants Gina gone.
But as she studies history in school, Gina notices her textbook changing to reflect the things she does in Old Florida – possibly sending the modern world onto a new path and rewriting the fate of the prince! As her relationship with Philip intensifies, a warring native tribe rises up to attack and demolish the Spanish settlement; at home, the crumbling portal tower is scheduled for demolition! Summer may have plans for Gina and the Prince, and Gina realizes she must soon choose between her life in the modern world or her new life in the past – but the mysterious Cero’s books contain secrets that change everything for all involved.
Does this blurb give you enough information to make you want to read the story?
Too much?
Put your comments below and let me know!
Dan Alatorre 
Reblogged this on Viv Drewa – The Owl Lady.
LikeLike
Thanks for the reblog!
LikeLike
I’ve had blurbs on my mind recently because I’m giving feedback to another blogger on here, too. I think your book sounds REALLY interesting and I’m looking forward to reading it. But, I think your blurb is too long and contains too much information. How do you show me that there is going to be trouble without talking about too many of the names in the book? I know they’re tough to write.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They sure are!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 🙂 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree with young Kindt. Enough info to make the book sound interesting but it’s more like a synopsis than a blurb.
Try something like this: “Fourteen-year-old Gina discovers a portal that takes her to the 1700’s where she meets and falls for a young Prince tasked with settling Spain’s La Florida territory. Each day, after school, she sneaks off to spend time in the old world with Prince Philip. But as she studies history in school, Gina notices her textbook changing to reflect the things she does in Old Florida – possibly sending the modern world onto a new path and rewriting the fate of the prince! Gina realizes she must soon choose between her life in the modern world or her new life in the past. Meanwhile, the Prince’s counselor Cero, a practitioner of dark mysticism, tries to force the couple apart by revealing secrets that change everything for all involved.”
(127 words)
Don’t forget you have to grab them before they click on ‘see more’ on Amazon.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Heather is living being called young Kindt.
Good suggestions! Thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think the blurb is spot on, it tells you enough and much better than some novels who only give you a paragraph. Me speaking as a reader.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s a tricky balance. Thanks for the accolades!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Agree I find it a bit too detailed myself. An overview would be good, so the same length but it could be a bit more general as to what it’s about. However it did compel me to read it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Tom. I knew it was pretty long when I put it out there, but it’s easier to trim than to add, and it was difficult to know what aspects to include when I needed to make sure it didn’t sound just like another time travel romance or teen romance.
LikeLike
I do think the blurb goes on a bit. And I am super bothered by the very adult looking young woman who’s supposed to be 14.
I think I would dump the bits about the handmaiden. Maybe the bit about dear old dad too. I might drop the native tribe bit. And Cero. And leave it at her having to choose.
But I haven’t read the book. If time travel and the complications of such aren’t the main bent you don’t want to lean it that way.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I agree. Too detailed, too many names. And exclamation marks shouldn’t happen. Focus only on the central conflict and cut anything not about that.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Having read it, which would you say is the central conflict?
LikeLike
Gina’s – staying or going
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hmm.
LikeLike
Really, I was worried that if I did some of the things you suggested, it sounds like just another time travel romance or teen romance, and adding those other elements let the reader know there’s more to this thing. But it’s a tricky balance, and I appreciate the input, for sure!
LikeLiked by 1 person
First off- wow! This sounds like a fun read! Thanks for sharing your blurb, and it sounds like this is a book I’d have to check out 🙂
Personally (and I’m no expert on blurbs, as I find myself banging my head against the wall whenever I have to try to write one!) I have to agree with most of the other commenters. I find that ‘less is more.’ As a reader, I don’t like too many of the events of the story given away, for instance the water tower’s demolition, and the natives rising up- I like those juicy details coming up and surprising me as I read- if I know it’s coming, there’s less surprise/tension and thus less payoff.
Of course, it’s hard to rope readers in and NOT give things away. Still, I’d be interested in reading just knowing about 1. the portal, 2. her desire to go back there- what’s drawing her in 3. the conflict with the bad magic dude and 4. the fact that she may be altering history, and it may not be for the better.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Right. How do you bait the hook without telling people what’s coming?
To leave some of that stuff out – which I will ultimately – makes it sound like a boring time travel romance, and that’s only a small fraction of what the story is.
But I appreciate the input! We will soldier on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No kidding- you’ve got a lot going on beyond girl meets boy, cue googly eyes 😉 I’m sure you’ll find the right sum-up!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, with a little help from my friends.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oooh, you got me hooked! I liked all the details, sounds like a fantastic read. I know the others are saying “less is more” but I think you do leave us hanging enough at the end of the blurb — what will happen historically and with the tower? As a reader of YA, this really intrigues me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I suppose I should find s bunch of YA readers or time travel romance readers and ask them, but I always like to start with you guys. There’s a lot going on in this story so it’s hard to know what to not mention. Glad it hooked you! And thanks for the input!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes! Excellent blurb, exciting and pulls in the reader.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awesome. Thanks for the input, Jennie!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, Dan.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😎
LikeLiked by 1 person