Do Not Molest Or Feed Alligators

It’s fun living here.

On Facebook messenger, Saturday morning at 10:30AM, to two friends – critique partners:

Me: Bet you guys don’t have signs like that at the park by your house!

Friend A: Don’t molest alligators?? Some of you Floridians have serious issues.

Me: I love that sign.

Friend B: Lolololol. You should tweet that.

Me: Everybody says the same thing about it. Molest? It’s for when the Canadians visit. (Friend B is Canadian.)

Friend A: Yeah it’s the tourists who get all molesty with alligators. I bet someone was totally gonna molest an alligator, saw that sign, and was like “Well, shit.”

Friend B: Hahahahahahaha

Friend A: There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.

Friend B: Foiled by a sign. Again.

Friend A: Not today, gator molester. Not today.

Me: Best part: it’s by the playground at the park!

Friend A: Daddy, what does molest mean?

Me: So we’re thinking about warning molesters… And protecting the freaking thing with dinosaur teeth. And claws. Meh. The kids can take care of themselves.

Friend B: Hahahaha.

Friend A: This is starting to feel like a Foxworthy joke

Friend B: Floridian kids at a playground being warned off molesting alligators.

Me: The dragon-like creature with a three foot long mouth? Gotta help him.

Friend A: If you’ve ever been deterred from molesting alligators by a sign…

Friend B: The funny thing is, there’s gotta be a guy out there who TRIED to molest the alligators to begin with, right? Why else would they need the sign?

Me: Keeping the Tourists on the straight and narrow.

Friend A: And it was placed before feeding. Bigger problem.

Friend B: Hahahahahaha

Me: It reads like a sign that was poorly translated. Like you see in foreign countries.

Friend A: Engrish

Me: Right.

Friend B: It was probably put up by someone who immigrated to the US, who is currently missing his “member” but is too embarrassed to say how he lost it. He put the sign up in the dead of night. Poor guy.

Friend A: Man, if there had only been a sign!

Friend B: Thank God he’s saving others from a similar fate. He’s the real hero in this story.

Friend A: Hahaha!! Alligator molester = the real hero.

Me: He limps off into the sunset. My work here is done.

Friend B: Hahaha. I’m dying. He should have immigrated to Canada. We just have cows

Friend A: And “don’t molest the moose” signs.

Friend B: MAYBE IT WAS HIM. You should check that out.

Me: Some county administrator had to approve that sign.

Friend A: They approved it bc it’s hilarious

Me: “We will entertain people for years with this sign!”

Friend A: LOL. The guy put it up. “Uh, we need to put up this sign. Because of reasons.”

Me: It was his last day. Yep. Approved. See ya. He does highway signs now. Big promotion. No left turn? He invented that.

Friend B: Bwahahaha. A man hated by everyone. He lives in hiding. People with pitchforks have tracked him down a few times. He evades them by sneaking right hand turns.

Me: You can’t get to his house. No left turns and all one way streets. Thwarting all law abiding citizens. The perfect crime. The perfect hideout. Here’s another reason to hate: 73 degrees, low humidity; perfect weather at the non-alligator molestation park.

Friend A: That’s gator molesting weather.

Friend B: Totally.

Friend A: Good thing there’s a sign. PS they should call the park that.

Me: The gators can sleep peacefully here.

Friend B: They should probably increase the size of the font.

Me: Why? Do you think alligators can read?

Friend B: Just to make sure no one misses it, in gator molesting weather.

Me: It’s Land O Lakes recreation center.

Friend A: The butter park.

Friend B: Land o alligator that USED to have a really good time – before someone put that sign up.

Friend A: Now he has nightmares and twitches all day.

Me: I got interrupted. I was going to say, before texting became a big thing, LOL was how this area was abbreviated. It kinda is again with that sign. Poor twitchy gator.

Friend A: First the molesting and now he has to live at LOL park.

Me: We have no proof of actual molestation. But some of the seagulls walk funny. Better to be safe.

Friend A: hahaha!!! Dan, control your people.

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So, you know – yet another reason to join a critique group.